article for zivim.hr
Two simple things are key to a lasting, fulfilling relationship
Romantic love that stands the test of time has been the subject of countless books, articles, studies, and seminars – it seems everyone desires it, yet few truly achieve it. Why is it so difficult for many to maintain love and satisfaction in a long-term relationship? While each couple is unique, there are certain things we all share.
Each of us brings into a relationship the imprint of our childhood experience of love. Some of us had parents who expressed love through constant care and doing things for us. Others felt most loved and happiest when they had plenty of time to themselves. Some believe a partner doesn’t love them unless they’re jealous, while for others, trust is the truest sign of love. When we fall in love with someone whose experience of love is very different from our own, it requires emotional maturity to acknowledge and respect these differences. We must learn to love our partner the way they want to be loved, not just how we prefer to show love.
If what makes my partner feel loved is that I show genuine interest in her work and projects, then that’s how I can connect with her – even if, in my world, love means giving gifts or sending a dozen messages a day.
In the beginning, it all feels easy
In the early stage of infatuation, loving the other person feels effortless. Everything about them is endearing, flaws are overlooked, and we’re convinced we can conquer anything together (assuming, of course, we’ve chosen someone truly compatible with us and not just anyone out of fear of being alone).
But as infatuation fades, what steps in is the will of the heart – what some call intentional love. While the feelings of closeness and affection may have come naturally in the beginning, later it takes a decision: I want to keep loving this person. I want to remind myself why I love them, I want to make them happy, to really hear and understand them, to support them, to set aside time just for them…
Numerous studies agree that two simple things are crucial for a quality, lasting relationship:
- KINDNESS – How many couples do you know who truly treat each other with kindness? Who communicate without sarcasm, jabs, controlling behavior, subtle insults, or chronic dissatisfaction? Who speak about one another with pride and affection, not with an eye-roll and the line, “Oh, the old ball-and-chain…” That kind of “mockery” is often masked as humor, but it usually hides bitterness and unspoken feelings that slowly poison the relationship. It’s a valuable skill to learn to express our concerns lovingly and privately. As the saying goes: be fierce with the problem, but gentle with the person.
- CULTIVATING INTERESTS – People in relationships often forget about themselves, their personal interests, passions, and the things that make them feel alive and fulfilled. It is essential to keep growing as an individual, independent of the partner with whom we share our life.
And across all studies, the happiest and longest-lasting couples were those who showed genuine mutual interest in what brought joy to their partner.
For instance, your partner tells you they have a chance to learn surfing. How would you respond? (Only one of these responses is truly constructive.)
- a) Negative: “Oh great, that’s just what we need. We barely see each other as it is, and surf gear is expensive. You won’t even finish the course – you’ll quit after two months. Are you serious?!”
- b) Superficially positive: “Oh, nice! Could you pass me that sauce from the fridge?”
- c) Genuinely interested: “That’s awesome! When does it start? Can I come watch you? Where would you like to surf once you learn? That’s such a fun idea – I never imagined you’d be into that!”
A new perspective
Psychotherapy teaches us to look at situations from new angles. Maybe it’s time to reflect on the relationship I’m in and ask myself: “What kind of partner am I to the person I live with? If I stop focusing only on what I lack in this relationship, what can I lovingly and willingly offer to this person I’ve chosen to love?”
And if I’m doing all I can and the relationship still doesn’t improve, with no effort from the other side, maybe it’s time to slowly turn off the light and head toward the exit. The quality of a relationship isn’t measured by how long it lasts. Sometimes, knowing how to end things with grace is just as important.
But that’s a topic for another article.
